


My Girlfriend Is An Ancient Goddess!!!! [NOT CLICK BAIT]

by Le_purple



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Alien Culture, Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society (Homestuck), Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Ancient History, Archaeology, Awkwardness, Books, Cherubs (Homestuck), Cultural Differences, Culture Shock, Dialogue Heavy, F/F, Fluff, Goddesses, Hacking, Interspecies Awkwardness, Mythology - Freeform, Original Mythology, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Reading, Reading Aloud, Summoning, Temple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:14:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23862142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Le_purple/pseuds/Le_purple
Summary: Jake and Roxy awaken and ancient goddess, who Roxy then takes a liking to.
Relationships: Calliope & Roxy Lalonde, Calliope/Roxy Lalonde
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

TG: So...

TG: Where are you again???

TG: All I see is rock.

GT: I'm IN the rock.

GT: Well,

GT: In a TEMPLE in the rock!

TG: Oh shit I see the entrance.

Roxy lowered her phone and scanned the giant entrance, which was embellished with intricate carvings of once worshipped gods that had faded into obscurity.

Yep, definitely an ancient temple!

She slowly walked into the temple, neck craning upwards to soak in all of the carvings. There was a motif of wings and snakes, with engravings of spirals and feathers peppering the mossy walls; the fangs of flying, ruby-eyed serpents sprayed venom on its zealots, whereas the shimmer of emeralds dictated protection and compassion. Roxy also noticed carvings symbolising tablets and parchment, quills blending into wings and scrolls blending into the coils of a snake.

"Roxy!" Jake called, catching Roxy's attention, the girl quickly turning around to look at the adventurer. He was standing by a ginormous sarcophagus of some sort, elaborately decorated with ornate markings of lime green and gold. "I'm glad you're here to help!"

"Wow, Jake! I'm glad I GET to help! Look at this place, it's awesome!"

"Definitely one of my proudest finds! I've pretty much scoured every square-inch of this place! It's not all that much in ways up traps or puzzles but it _is_ remarkably pretty." Jake gushed, leaning on the sarcophagus.

"Not gonna lie though, I'm kinda confused. You said you needed my epic tech skills, but unless you need me to hack into that funky coffin or something I've got no clue what you need."

"Well, Roxy, I DO need you to hack into the funky coffin!"

Jake began to slide around the lose stone shapes that Roxy previously hadn't noticed, little stone snakes slithering down the groves. Eventually, when the puzzle was solved, there was a rough, grating noise as a frontal panel slipped away and revealed a stone tablet, with a keyboard of stone buttons and a strange screen that looked more like giant green crystal carved into a flat dome about the size of her phone.

Roxy hesitantly pressed one of the keys and there a glowing text appeared on the screen, which she quickly found was an old Alternian character. The carvings on the keys were long since worn down by probably centuries of erosion, only tracings of the original characters remaining. It took her a few seconds to learn the mapping of the keypad, but she quickly found that it was very similar to a modern keyboard in structure.

"This is sooo WEIRD!"

"I know! I figured that you'd be able to crack this in no time!"

Roxy began to work her magic on the strange and, probably magic, machine, entering in random commands until she could figure out the coding language. This was fairly difficult for the human, as she had to balance the tasks of translating a dead language she had little knowledge of with Jake, as well as writing out code correctly with no typos.

"Haha, the code's python." Roxy chuckled. "Looks like ancient races have a fondness for puns."

What followed was a few minutes of trial and error, Jake helping as much as he could with translations and gushing about the temple while Roxy spammed override commands and whatever else she could think of.

Beep.

"Beep?"

"Beep!" Roxy and Jake said in unison, the girl stepping back as the boy stepped forwards.

There was clicking and shifting from within the coffin, ancient symbols flashing onscreen as stone grated against stone, metal clacking together and dusk falling to the temple floor. The keyboard sunk back down and slid under the panel on the chest as a pair of gold-leafed wings slotted into place either side of a grand, jade serpent.  
Suddenly the coffin began to rumble, even more dust and sand falling in plumes around them, a deep and unnatural groan coming from within the sarcophagus. Roxy rested her hand on Jake's shoulder and slowly pulled him back, stepping away from the rattling coffin.

"Jaaake?? Maybe we should-"

"No! No, this is good!"

There was a rasping howl from within the sarcophagus and it rocked from edge to edge.

"Good?!"

"Very good!"

"Jake I came here to hack into some asshole's facebook or something-not to awaken an ancient god!"

"If it's any consolation I had NO clue anything this amazing could happen!" Jake said, astonished, drawing out his pistols. "Finally, a challenge!"

With a flash of light and the sound of stone crumbling the coffin burst open, and the shaking temple was filled with gusts of dusty air.

"Holy shit!"

The pair fell back as the dust began to settle, the light dimming enough for Roxy to make out a figure. They were tall, taller than anyone she had ever met, and looked as if they were purely made of bone, or chitin. Their skin was a shiny green, and they were suspended in the air by two giant, white wings, flapping and stirring up the dusty air, the black dress they wore sweeping across the floor. The ancient one seemed to regain consciousness, black eye sockets gaining eyes that looked around the room, posture becoming less intimidating as her frame was given life.

"Who..."

"Uuum..."

"Oh-um...Hello."

"Hey."

"Hello!" Jake burst, rushing over to the ancient creature putting his pistols back in their holsters, Roxy following behind. "I had no clue this could happen-I-I-just-WOW!"

"It's good to be back!" She said. "Oh, how very rude of me. My name is Calliope, a pleasure to meet you!"


	2. Chapter 2

"So...this is what the inside of a '''house''' looks like..." Calliope observed, ducking under the door frame and looking around like it was the most interesting thing she had ever seen.

"Yep! This is where I live!"

"Fascinating..."

"Take a seat on the couch, I'll get you a drink." Roxy said. "What do you want? I've got tea, coffee, apple juice?"

"Um, tea please?"

"Do you want milk and sugar and shit?" She asked, going into the kitchen and putting a tea bag in a mug before filling it with water and putting it in the microwave.

"You can put sugar it tea?""

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes, absolutely!"

"So what do ancient goddesses eat anyway?"

"You are aware that you don't have to call me that, referring to me as a Cherub is fine." Calliope laughed. "And I eat what the worshippers give me. You know, raw meat, special stardust, candy; basic nutrients." 

"'Basic nutrients' lol."

"Is that not what you humans eat?"

" _Cooked_ meat: sure, and candy as a snack (or dinner if you're Rose and Dirk), but I don't think that anyone really eats special stardust. We eat like...cereal, and fruit and veggies and shit-but not 'shit' shit, more like 'stuff' shit."

"This is so interesting! We MUST discuss your culture over the...'tea'."

GT: So how is the delightful dame doing, Roxy?

TG: I'm doin just fine.

TG: *wink*

GT: *wink*

TG: But yeah, she's just chillin like a villin

TG: She's super interested in how human culture works.

TG: I've already given her a notebook so she can write everything down.

GT: It's good she's so interested now that she's living here forever.

TG: Haha yeah, she's almost as into learning about this stuff as you are into looking through her temple and shit.

TG: I'm kinda surprised that you aren't interrogating her for her delicious knowledge.

GT: I'm more interested in uncovering the treasures, maybe fighting an ancient golem if I find one.

GT: Under her sarcophagus is a tunnel to the catacombs and it is jolly good fun exploring down there!

TG: Well good luck! I'm gonna tell her about food!

Roxy grabbed the hot mug and walked into the living room, watching Calliope in surprise as she devoured the contents of the book case, flipping through each page eagerly and scanning each line. It was a little cute actually; a hulking, green, chitinous goddess, angelic white wings outstretched, opening and closing books with glowing eyes as if it were the most intriguing thing in the universe.  
"I've got your tea!" Roxy announced, chipper tone in her voice.

"R-roxy this-this is amazing! I have never seen anything like this in my life!"

"Did you guys not have any books in your time?"

"Books..." She pondered. "Roxy teach me how to read!!!!!" Calliope bounded over to her like a big dog, wings spread wide and eyes full of light, literally.

"I-uh-OK!"

Calliope grabbed an armful of books and jumped on the sofa, leaning forwards and letting them clatter onto the coffee table before trying to organise them, Roxy taking a seat next to her and putting the tea on the table too.

"Can you read what the words say? I'm afraid that language has changed quite a bit since my time, so I have no idea what anything means."

"Well-I-I'm not really all that much of a teacher but...I'll give it my best shot!"

"That's the spirit!" Calliope burst, handing Roxy a book with a scrawled on title of 'Wizardly Herbert'.

"I think that this might be...a lil too complicated for me to explain."

"Don't worry, I'm sure that you'll do a bang up job! I'm a very good learner you know."

"Whoops! There it goes!" Roxy noted in faux sadness, throwing the book over her shoulder and quickly rummaging through the book pile for something less embarrassing.

"Is that a...normal part of your culture?" Calliope asked, taking a sip from the tea mug before grimacing and setting it back down.

"SO-this is-uh...I was thinking that you would probably like Rosey's stuff more, because a lot of my books are um-yeah-or just gaming mags."

"'Rosey'? As in the flower?"

"Nah babes, Rose is the name of my sister. She likes a lot of classical and fantasy books, and you seem like the kinda gal who would be into it too."

"Oh, alright. What will we be reading?"

Roxy scanned the books laid out in front of her, and picked the most classical looking, and thickest one.

"Strap in girl, 'cause we are gonna be reading.......'The Iliad'!"

"I believe for such a large book we might need to get...comfortable."

"Comfortable?" Roxy repeated, imagination running WILD.

"You know, cosy up! Huddle in a blanket, maybe even..." Roxy held her breath. "Don night-robes?"

"YeAH oK!" Roxy burst, voice cracking. "I've got jammies an' shit in my room."

"Excellent! We could read on your sleeping slab, that way there will be a smooth transition from learning to sleeping!" Calliope burst, standing up and grabbing Roxy's hand.

The pair ascended up the stairs, Calliope having to duck so she wouldn't hit her skull on the ceiling. It seemed like Calliope would have to hunch over a lot, as Roxy's house was more suited to the New Alternian standards of architecture wherein the tallest height the door frames and ceilings were made to handle were the horns of an adolescent troll.

Not sure which room was Roxy's, Calliope waited at the top of the stairs for Roxy to take the lead, the human tightening her grip on the cherub's giant hand and pulling her into her bedroom...and the door frame.

"Oh-jeez-I'm so sorry Callie are you ok?" Roxy stammered, inspecting Calliope's skull and finding that she had actually knocked a chunk off of her door frame.

"Callie?" She repeated, not even mentioning the head-bump.

"Yeah, like a nickname! You know, 'Callie' as like a short version of Calliope. If you don't like it I can totes call you somethin else."

"No, no! Callie is-I like it!" Calliope blurted, brushing the dust off top of her head as she walked into the bedroom. She was immediately hit by the sheer quantity of bright pink that decorated the room, from the walls to the carpet to the stuffed animals; and she _loved_ it.

While Calliope was dazed, Roxy walked over to her wardrobe and began searching for something that would fit her, looking over her own relatively small pyjamas before looking back at Calliope. Unless she cut holes in her duvet cover, there was no way anything could fit her. Not wanting to shatter her dreams, Roxy began thinking....and thinking....and....thinking....

"Wow! How did you manage to acquire the pigment for this peculiar yet enchanting hue?" Calliope asked, not noticing Roxy's turmoil.

"NOTHING-! ...oh wait, uh, the pink?"

"Pink..."

"Well...traditionally _troll_ paint was made out of blood, but now all-most of our paint is made from chemicals and rocks and shit." Roxy replied, reciting all of her limited knowledge of paint.

"How incredible! Roxy, I am learning so much from you! Are all members of your species this knowledgeable? Are you learned in any specific subjects? A master perhaps? Or are you simply a jack-of-all-trades?"

"I guess I know a little bit about a lotta things, but I'm awesome at stuff like coding and gaming, and I'm tryna work on writing like my mom."

"Was your mother a prolific author? Do you have any of her works? I feel like it would be a much more beneficial learning experience than 'the illiad' as you called it."

"Yeah, I have one of her books downstairs." Roxy said, rushing to the door. "You can look around here while I get it."

As soon as Roxy left the room she let out a deep breath and slumped against the wall, biting her thumbnail and trying to think of what to do.  
Getting the book was important, obviously, but it was definitely under her pillow; she just needed time to think about the 'night-robes'.  
Night-robes...night-robes.

Bathrobes?

Roxy leaned forwards and looked into her bathroom, eyeing up the towel rack before sneaking over and looking through to find he bathrobes. The biggest one she had was more of a full body towel than one to wear for comfort, but Calliope didn't look like she had normal skin anyway so she hoped that it wouldn't be that much of a problem. She grabbed the large, white bath-robe and the smaller, pink fluffy one Roxy would wear in the mornings, and casually strolled back into her room, greeted by the sight of Calliope once more looking through her stuff with an adorably curious expression on her skull.

"Hey Callie, I got the 'night-robes'." Roxy announced, tossing the large bath-robe at Calliope and swiping the book out from underneath her pillow while she was distracted, holding it behind her back.

"Oh! Thank you, Roxy..." Calliope trailed off, watching Roxy undress before immediately averting her eyes in embarrassment. "I-um...is that normal for your culture?"

"Hmm...sometimes. I personally don't really care if other people see me in the nakey, but a lotta people are more shy."

Calliope grabbed her notepad and pen and began frantically scribbling.

"Do tell me more! How long has your culture been so prudent, and from whence does it stem? I am assuming that you are an outlier, are you ridiculed for it? How does this affect cultural dress?"

"Woaah, chill babes, you're gonna break your jaw with all of them questions." Roxy laughed, tying the fluffy chord around her waist before flopping down on her bed.  
"So we doin this, Callie?"

"Oh-yes, of course. May I have a moment to change wardrobe?"

"Sure, ok." Roxy covered her eyes, able to hear the sound of Calliope pulling up her gown...before it got stuck on her wings.

"Um...Roxy? If it isn't a bother, could you help me, um...disrobe?"

"Oh damn, already? I knew I had some skills with the ladies but I guess I just forgot to turn off my swag lmao."

"What is 'swag'?'"

"Oh-uh-it's like how cool I am? Like how awesome and radical I am I guess." Roxy attempted to explain, pulling Calliope's gown over her flexed, white wings. She pulled the garment off and set it aside, letting Calliope pull on the bath robe as she sat back on the bed.

"I'm sorry but, I don't really understand. What does this 'swag' have to do with temperature how extreme you or your beliefs are?"

"It...it's like slang, it doesn't literally mean that. I'm gonna have to teach you all about slang and memes and stuff tomorrow."

"Oh I have so much to learn!" Calliope squealed, jumping on the bed with bright eyes, literally, Roxy squinting so she wasn't blinded by the flashing. "Everything is so different now! Why, I barely have any time to learn. How much will I truly be able to grasp before change strikes once more? This is all too overwhelming! This slab is so SOFT!"

Calliope flopped back on the bed, wings spread as she basked in the feeling of cushions and bedding.

"So, I know you're super interested in what's happened since you got stuck in that coffin, but what happened _before_ that? Like what did you do, what was it like?"

"I did a little of what I'm doing now. I documented and archived everything! My acolytes ran quite a few archives for me too, but they're probably long dilapidated, if not turned into historical monuments." She sighed, suddenly feeling very nostalgic. "Being immortal has its perks, I could spend as much time as I wanted studying and discovering whatever I pleased."

"So you had like acolytes huh. So did you have to do like 'God Rituals' every now and then or smth. You know, drop in every year and cleanse the crops or whatever?"

"Hmm...I didn't do much of that as far as I can recall, but I did perform a vital role in the safety and well-being of my people. I had to balance the world against my brother, Caliborn, and we were constantly at odds with each other. We were equals, yet opposites, and our power is linked so that we could only use as much power as the other cherub allowed, making us even. Somehow, though, most likely through the use of some sort of juju, he managed to leech away some of my power without my say-so, and he disturbed the balance. In the end, I managed to trick him and lock him away in a sarcophagus, hopefully to never be unearthed, and I locked myself away so that he couldn't somehow leech away my power to escape, that way the balance was still kept, but in a way in which we could not touch it. Although, I suppose I'm free now, I just hope he doesn't somehow know."

"Woah... Roxy gasped, in awe. "That's sooo rad, Callie, you've got like a whole anime backstory! I mean, damn girl, you're like a real story teller."

Calliope blushed, green cheeks glowing lime.

"Oh-I-well, thank you, Roxy."

"Seriously, I'm surprised that I've never heard this story before in history class. Like we learned about troll colonisation and treaties, but never something so dang awesome!"

"Well, it has been quite a long time since I was locked away. I made sure that my worshippers destroyed all evidence of my brother's and my I's existence, lest any zealots try to awaken us." Calliope sighed sadly. "I miss my worshippers."

"Awww, Callie baby, I'll worship you as much as you want." Roxy assured, taking Calliope's large, chitinous hand lovingly.

"That w-that would be nice..."

Roxy rolled over on her bed and grabbed the book, turning back to Calliope before sitting up and leaning next to the giant goddess, the cherub tucking her wings neatly behind her and watching her open the book with eager and excitable eyes.

"So anyway, you ready to get some delicious knowledge from 'Complacency of the Learned'?"

"Well I wouldn't quite describe linguistics as 'delicious' but yes, I am ready to learn your written language.

"Aight, buckle in bitches. _Chapter 1: A Fated Encounter......_ "


End file.
